WHEN I DECIDED TO QUIT LIVING

I love sharing about God with other people when I can. The more I know Him, the more I’m eager to tell about Him. It’s not my intention to be seen and called a righteous person as there’s no human being who is righteous and perfect. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But His perfect love and faithfulness in my life is the story that I want to tell. The spotlight is not me but Him. I’m just a supporting actress and, He is the main character. I am just the writer and, He is the author.

I see the global effect of this pandemic since the start of 2020. It’s one of the toughest times in our history. So I have been praying these past few months about the next topic to write, hoping it can bring light to people who feel hopeless. Most of the time, I can just start a title but can’t finish the whole content. And now, God gave me the courage to share this part of my life that happened two years ago. 

Our mother taught us how to pray since we were little. I learned that when I pray, I have to talk to God and tell Him the things I am thankful for and what I need. But not until two years ago before I moved here in Thailand. My prayer has been all about bitterness and hopelessness. In that season of my life, my everyday prayer to God is to take me home to heaven. Yes, you read it right! I told God to take me home.

Those were the days when I want to buy anything for myself, I surely can. I had a good job and bought some properties. I even almost got married that year. Yes, I had everything but, I’m feeling a hole in my heart.  It seemed like my life was peaceful but, it was really not. It was driving me crazy every single day. Feels like I am slowly dying because of depression and anxiety.  Something is not right! I was looking for answers and purpose in my life but, I can’t figure it out. I became so tired of living and told God not to wake me up anymore. If I could just take my own life, I would have done it already. But I have fear in God so, I endured the hardships I was going through. It was the lowest point of my life.

One day, as I was scrolling at my news feed on Facebook, a post from one of my high school batch mate caught my attention. In her post, she was saying she is tired of living and wants to end her life. At that very moment, I messaged her asking how she’s doing.. what’s going on..etc.  My friend openly shared with me what she is going through. She’s pregnant and just found out that she was literally heartbroken. She was diagnosed with Gravidocardia. It is a cardiac disorder that results from physiological changes associated with pregnancy. In medical terms, it is a valvular heart disease slash atrial fibrillation with moderate ventricular response. Her doctor told her that the valve of her heart is weak and only 33% can function with 20% chance of survival. Which means there’s a very slim chance for both of them (her and her baby) to survive. Otherwise, only one could live. She felt she was fighting all alone with almost no hope left. Immediately, the phrase that entered my mind is “life is precious”. I shared with her how God loves us so much and, that we don’t own our life. Therefore, we have no right to take it but, only Him. Whereas, some people are praying to God asking for more time to spend with their family. I sent her all the bible verses with God’s promises that I can think of to help her stop thinking about ending her life.

After our conversation, I realized that I was telling my friend exactly what I have to remind myself. I knew God is there my whole life. The problem was me. I just call on Him when I can’t do it by myself anymore. Then, I come back again to relying on my own natural strength. I didn’t let God be the center of my life. I didn’t let Him in on some decisions I make. I didn’t think about glorifying Him with the things I do and forgot to thank Him with the things He has done for me. I forgot that I conquered lots of battles because God was helping me. I love Him but, I have loved the world more than Him.

God helped me to wake up from slacking in my Christian life. He saved me before I totally fall away from Him. He showed me how to step out of my faith through other Christians who are spiritually mature of which I am very much thankful. At the same time, I continued to encourage my friend to trust in God more and that everything will be okay. That with Him nothing is impossible. 

The day came for my friend to deliver her baby. She messaged me that the baby is out by normal delivery and not CS. They are both alive and well. Wow! As soon as I received the good news,  I hurried myself to go to the hospital. When I saw her, quickly I felt like my tears falling from my eyes. I witnessed the greatness of the God I serve. Truly He is an amazing God. Truly with Him nothing is impossible. He lovingly is redeeming all who believe in Him.

Here’s a picture of us at that moment.

My friend and her baby while in the hospital.

The joy and peace I felt that time I was with my friend in the hospital, cannot be compared to any material things. Little did I know, it was a glimpse of the joy and peace that God has prepared ahead of me. Now, my friend became light and living testimony to the people around her. She continuously let God shine in her. From someone hopeless to someone who is now full of hope. This is one of the greatest things my eyes have ever seen.

My friend named her baby Caleb Earl which means devotion to God by a warrior or nobleman.

After 1 year and 2 months, we saw each other again when I came home to the Philippines for a two-week vacation. It was unplanned. She wanted to shout with gladness but she can’t be overexcited because of her condition. I was very happy I got the chance to see her again in person and alive! We both knew it was God’s way.

Truly, God’s ways are not our ways. And His thoughts are not our thoughts. It’s way beyond our imagination. Now I keep on walking with Him. Knowing Him more. Loving Him better every day. Letting Him shine through me so others may also see Him and experience the joy and peace that only He can give.

To my fellow sisters and brothers in Christ, may you continue to shine your light wearing the full armor of God. Keep watching for we don’t know when Christ will return just like how He described the last days like in the days of Noah.

To those who don’t know God yet, He invites everyone to join His family. Just call unto Him. He is more than happy to hear from you. Let us know how we can pray for you. You can send your prayer request at this email: jill31739@gmail.com.

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Sister in Christ/Photographer/Arts and Music Lover/Traveller/Learner

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